Your Team May Be Avoiding You

During my 360-degree feedback debrief with Bob, at one point he appeared visibly upset. As with most high-performing leaders, Bob is his own worst critic, and he was stuck on the “constructive” comments at the back of the report. They had completely stopped him in his tracks. His team referred to him as “unapproachable.” They went as far as to say that they often “walked on eggshells” around him, and were “reluctant to bring him problems.” This entirely shocked and deflated him because it was the complete opposite of who he believes he is, how he wants to be seen as a leader, and what he needs to lead.

It was no secret, as COO of a global manufacturing company, Bob consistently moves through his days at warped-speed, in back-to-back meetings, fire-fighting across locations and “on-call” to all levels of employees – shop floor through C-suite. What he didn’t know, is that his people are concerned about his level of overload, and would just as soon avoid bringing him issues unless absolutely necessary. They also don’t want to be on the receiving-end of an explosion. As well-liked as Bob is, he was known to have a “hot-temper” when over-stressed.

As we reviewed the report, Bob told me he would never want his people to avoid coming to him. He wants them to see him as fully capable, and with broad shoulders. He is fine with being human, but does not want to project being overwhelmed or beaten down. He also really needs his people to bring him all of it – the good, bad and ugly. He needs his finger on the pulse of the company, and personally, it’s how he’s fueled.

So why the misfire? Why, when Bob’s intention is to have his team bring him what they need to, they are not taking him at his word? Let’s examine some basics of communication.

When it comes to conveying a message, (live or on video) 55% is through body language, 38% by voice tone, and 7% by words. And mode-alignment matters.

When one of these communication modes doesn’t convey your message’s intention, it’s received as a mixed message and will not be clearly conveyed. And usually the dominant mode wins.

Mixed by accident: Bob would tell his people to come see him anytime, yet while he said this he often had a stressed tone and expression, and was rushing by. The body language, tone and pace surely were overpowering the words he was saying and his message wasn’t being received as intended.

Two different messages: Sometimes he has tough information to deliver but ALSO wants his team to have hope — like most leaders, and especially in these chaotic times. These are two conflicting messages that are each true. I suggested that if Bob needs to deliver bad news, he could be honest, and yet leave his people on that hopeful note. When relayed in a calm and steady way it will be reassuring, believable and aligned. If he tries the positive message with a furrowed brow, or with rushed, nervous energy, we are back to a confusing landing.

Slowing down is foundational to a shift. It creates more awareness on how you are coming across, and helps you to be present. Slowing down also enables you to consciously choose your reactions, so you can be less reactive. Aside from slowing down, other ideas to try:

• Create buffer time. Leave some space between (live or remote) meetings and let people know you are. Work flow will express greater accessibility and you will be more present when they come to you.
• Hold office hours. Set a real or virtual “office hour” schedule. This is especially important if your team is in a remote or hybrid structure. It may not replace the management by “walk around” but it create an time set aside that your team knows they’re invited to see you.
• Mirror the mode. Virtually, if someone asks to talk with you and you’re not giving eye contact or are off-camera when they are on-camera (this is a thing), there is an immediate mismatch in communication. Match it up and be fully there.
• Manage your stress: Hold your boundaries well. When you are over-extended or not replenishing your reserves, you’ll be less patient when others need you.
• Know your triggers: When you become aware of what situations set you off, you can prep how you will respond more effectively. You’ll be less likely to give an intimidating reaction when people push your buttons, and will guard against a reputation that keeps others at bay.
• Build your humor muscle: Lightening up with yourself and others will give you endless personal benefits, (that is when the humor is not sarcastic or at someone else’s expense), and it absolutely balances out an intense side if you have one.

Your team can handle the tough messages. It’s the mixed ones they would sooner avoid, and that may mean avoiding you. With some even minor changes, you will convey more of what you intend, build greater trust, and have the intel you need to lead. As for Bob, he eventually was able to do just that. He became known as a more approachable leader, without sacrificing his driven energy and edge.