Commitments vs. Distraction – Helping Our Habits Stick

Do you follow through with the promises you make to others? How about the ones you make to yourself? If you’re anything like me, you consistently come through with commitments you make to others, but when it comes to the ones you make to yourself, sometimes the road takes an unintentional turn. This recently happened to me in a big way.

At my 2020 end-of-year reflection session, it was clear I needed some kind of strong focus for the coming year that could fend off the distracting decisions I would invariably make that would pull me off track from my intentions.  Like other years I landed with the theme. This time it would be “alignment.”  Like for so many, 2020 recalibrated my life to family, emotional, health, economic and practical priorities – as it needed to.  And I count myself beyond fortunate for coming through the height of it with stability in areas that some did not. Messy as it has been it forced me to examine what matters most and what I stand for.  So this theme of “alignment” is one I am using to keep me honest on holding my personal priorities front and center in 2021.

For that purpose, “alignment” meant bringing back some rituals I lost during 2020. In 2019, I was in a rhythm of meditating twice a day for 20 minutes – a TM sitting practice, and keeping a decent work-out pattern. In 2020, I was lucky to meditate 5 minutes on any day.  And aside from dog walks, my fitness focus was sporadic at best. As I regrouped for the new year, I allowed myself a bunch of grace. At the top of 2021 I turned the page. I set my alignment-intention to just a few things: some regular journaling, meditation and working out. Felt great! About 4-6 weeks in, this road took the unintentional turn. My plans were sound, specific, and purpose-driven (check, check and check), yet how did I manage to get distracted AGAIN? So I went back to the distraction drawing board. And since maintaining habits is such a challenge in our frenetic culture, habit-hacking info was easy to find, looking no further my favorite distraction-inducing devices.

In fact, on an Instagram feed of a friend, I found the book by an expert on the distraction of technology, Nir Eyal. He is best-selling author of Hooked – How to build Habit-Forming Products, and  Indistractable – How to Control Your Attention and Choose your Life, the book I am now enjoying and the source for the image below. The image puts what we want at the heart of the matter – indicating that when we take actions that move us toward what we want, we are experiencing Traction, and when take actions that move us away from it, we are Distracted. What really matters is exploring why we would do that.

Eyal, a “behavioral design expert” claims we distract ourselves to avoid pain. “Pain” can be seen as any negative state:  anger, judgement, frustration, loss, failure, friction, change (positive or challenging), or even just boredom. When we do something other than what we intend, it’s a distraction. Even when we say, “I will do that thing, after I check email.” These type of distractions can trick us – as we tell ourselves they are, after all, work-related and “important.” Not so fast.  We are still purposely (even if not consciously) distracting ourselves from our goal. Since according to behavior science, distractions help us quell uncomfortable emotional states, Eyal says our time management becomes “pain management,” and it’s key to look at why we get distracted in the first place. I would agree. Diving into email, social media, or researching something on the internet usually are paths of procrastination for me. If I examine it, it’s easily some level of avoidance. It may be a delay of a task I’m challenged to start – or overwhelmed by because I haven’t broken it down into pieces yet. Hmm, so using some self-management strategies should help me.

Our brains create a self-perpetuating cycle. I was shocked by the factoid that on average we self-interrupt every 3.5 minutes. As we allow external interruptions, we train our brains to create even MORE self-interruptions. This would hold true with social media or internet scrolling slippery slopes. That said, the potential good news is that the opposite is also true. We can train our brains to follow through. Keeping small habits, like making the bed each morning has a positive and priming neuro-effect for keeping commitments we make to ourselves. Do it for a while and other habits follow more easily.

Here are other commitment and habit-keeping strategies I explored:

Gretchen Rubin, researcher, author and one of today’ most “influential and thought-provoking observers of happiness and human nature,” wrote the best-seller, The Four Tendencies, including the related quiz, She proposes we each have different styles for responding to internal expectations (such as a plan to work-out) and external expectations (a project deadline). The 4 styles are: Upholders, who want to know what should be done; Questioners, who want justifications; Obligers, who need accountability, and Rebels, who want freedom to do it their own way. Of course I took the quiz. I’m a Questioner. I do need to ask, research or learn about benefits before taking things on. I have some Obliger in me too. Accountability helps me for sure. I think it’s why I struggled with online fitness classes in 2020. Knowing our style, we can use specific strategies that will help us follow-through.

Another tactic for making a habit stick, is “habit-stacking.” The idea is that when adopting a new ritual or habit, we have a better chance of maintaining when we attach it to something we already do regularly. If you brush your teeth every night and you want to begin journaling, then you could journal after you brush your teeth. The habit you are “stacking onto” acts as a trigger.  S.J. Scott has taken it further in the book, Habit Stacking, 97 Small Life Changes that Take Five Minutes or Less. He states stacked habits must be completed in under 30 minutes, are complete without ever expanding on them (so work outs would not count) and you would want to stack them in a literal checklist. No matter the specifics, the stacking strategy can be helpful when adding in a habit, and I often recommend it in its most simple form to clients.

I’ve also recommended the Daily Questions tool developed by Marshall Goldsmith. Marshall is an acclaimed coach and author of Triggers (where he explains this tool), and author of the amazing best-seller, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, a top 10 for me when I started coaching 25 years ago, and still a leadership classic. Goldsmith’s Daily Questions has us list our targeted daily actions, and at the end of the day, give a rating on how much effort we put toward each on a scale from 1 to 10. (There is neuroscience that says its more motivating to see effort, than only a completed task – and far less defeating when we don’t make our mark. Remember the parenting tip about rewarding effort not just results—and also Carolyn Dweck’s Growth Mindset?) With this tool, as we spot trends for our week’s effort, we can see how to motivate or regroup for the next week. Goldsmith has been using this tool himself for many years. One detail, he has a coach who calls him daily and asks him the questions. I think if I was the highest paid coach in the world, I’d have a coach on hand to ask me my Daily Questions each day too. For now I will get the app.

To conquer this common struggle to not derail on our commitments, here’s a list of strategies to help your (and my) habits stick:

• Define the purpose behind that new commitment. Change is hard enough, we need a meaningful pay-off to go for and stay with it.
• Learn why you distract yourself from things. Are there uncomfortable emotions you are avoiding by allowing distraction or procrastination from your desired action? If so, address it at the root.
• Explore your expectation-keeping style. When you know your habit-keeping sweet-spot you can strategize with that in mind.
• Habit-Stack. Anchor a new habit to something you already do regularly. Your existing habit will be a trigger for the new one.
• Try the Daily Questions. Create a spreadsheet or use the app to list your desired actions, and then evaluate daily and weekly how much you tried to accomplish each one. Over time you should see a trend up, strategize how to improve, or re-evaluate what’s worth keeping and letting go.
• Extra Tip: Start small. Begin with one or two new habits only. An overly ambitious list will easily sabotage your success. Accomplishing one thing or some low-hanging fruit. Small successes fuel more success.

As for my commitment distraction, I’m going to use a combination of these to wrangle back a few of my derailed habits. The Daily Questions will be my tool for tracking, and I will stack them in the morning for best success. Probably after I make my bed.

When it comes to habits are you distractable like me?  I would love to hear what you’ve tried. What’s gone well and what are you still working on?